Seasons II

Over a year ago, I wrote about my feelings on seasons.

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance... a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time of war, and a time of peace... He hath made everything beautiful in his time..." - Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

Sometimes I wonder when my life will start, other times I wonder when it will slow down. At this point, seasons seem to change every day for every person. I've had two of my best friends get married in the last year, and I've seen a whole new set of friends starting to leave on missions. I'm a junior in college, and I still feel like I have forever to go before I make any kind of major life decision... and then I realize it's coming to an end sooner than I think. There is this constant pull between too fast and not fast enough. Choices that need to be made and not feeling ready to make them.

There is a time for everything, and for everyone. I have another several months before I put in my mission papers, and sometimes I even wonder if that is still the right path for me to take. As I'm nearing my senior year I have to start thinking seriously about what my next step will be. I need to consider a real grown up career path and take the steps in order to get there. There are millions of paths ahead of me and it seems like life is passing too quickly and I'm not ready for all that is required of me. Then again, sometimes I wish this semester would finish, that all my friends would start coming home, that it was summer again, and that I could just move past where I am right now. What with all this confusion, I'm not exactly sure what I want.

Thankfully, I can take great comfort in knowing that at least my Heavenly Father has it all figured out for me. He knows my strengths and he knows my fears, and when it comes to these moments in my life, he understands me and comforts me. Neal A. Maxwell said "Faith in God includes faith in his timing". Sometimes I want to rush things, and sometimes I want it all to slow down... but what I really need to realize is that I am where I am for a reason... and if I'm too preoccupied with concerns of the future, I'll miss out on the opportunities that I'll only have in this season of my life.

What is this season exactly? Its a time to fail and a time to fail again. It's a time to grow and a time to question; It's a time to weep and a time to laugh; It's a time in my life where I'm discovering more about myself and where I want to wander. So here is to being here. Here is to enjoying every moment of my season. Here is to taking opportunities and growing a little taller each day. As I look forward to the future, I don't want to forget the beauty in these moments.

Details

Somedays winter doesn't seem so bad.
But in all honesty, I wouldn't mind some flowers.

Thankful

Every once in a while it's good to make a thankful list. Actually, maybe more than once in a while.

1. Clean Sheets
2. High Heels
3. Best Friends
4. Presidents Day
5. Prayer
6. Subwoofers
7. A Job
8. Spooky Wind
9. The Smell of Books
10. Spell Check 
11. British Accents 
12. Pinterest 
13. My Parents
14. Sunburns 
15. Personal Revelation 
16. Change
17. Wheat Pancakes 
18. Razors 
19. The Book of Mormon
20. Striped Shirts

Get Away

This weekend, my parents decided they wanted to continue being the best parents ever and they flew me to California for the long holiday. It couldn't have been a more perfect time for me to come home. I've been up to my eyeballs in work and feeling like butter spread over too much bread (phrase credit to Bilbo Baggins). So when Friday came for me to fly home I was more than ready to pack my bags and just go. Here are some of my favorite moments.

Listening to this song on the way to the airport.

 

Looking through all the old family photos. This one is my favorite, taken when I "accidently" threw my jazz shoe at Paige when she refused to go to bed that one time I babysat. Such a loving sister right? 

 

Stopping at Lucile's in Long Beach for dinner until the traffic passed.

 

After church on Sunday, we packed our bags and headed to the beach house. My absolute favorite place in the whole entire world... and that's an understatement.

Ohh... and I bought these shoes that I never wanted to take off. 

 

A few details from around the beach.

Hanging around, watching movies, eating at our pizza place, running on the beach, and counting stars.

 

Paige and I took the beach cruiser for a spin down the street. Watching Paige try to ride a bike in heels was entertaining enough... and then trying to ride with her on the handlebars was even better.

Pops asked for a new profile picture, isn't he handsome? Paige didn't want to be left out. 

Then we stopped for some dirty street tacos on my way back to the airport. 

I love that we have places... like our taco place and our pizza place. 

 

& here is the sun waving me goodbye. 

 

It was just what I needed when I needed it. I love home. I never feel more myself then I do when I'm in California. I came feeling dry & tired and I left feeling full, happy, and ready to take on the world (or my homework). Thanks mom and pops :)

Until next time sun. 

Fall In Love

I fall in love just about every time I listen to this song. Typical.

Want to really fall in love? Click HERE. Thank me later.

Perspective

And we'll collect moments one by one

I guess that's how the future's done

-Feist

My favorite part of the day is walking home from school. Walking to school is nice, but I'm always almost late so I'm trying to get as close to running as I can without actually running (when your teacher offers to call you to make sure your out of bed in the morning, you know you have a problem). Walking home though is the perfect time to think. In my 'Science and Religion' class we've been discussing a book called "Pilgrim at Tinker Creek" and the movie "The Tree of Life" and its occupied my whole brain. I can't stop thinking about it, and so many questions have come because of it. I'm no longer capable of thinking about the here and now, or about any of the tiny minute problems I may have in my life. 

One day I watched my shadow the entire walk home. I watched it follow me, and I watched as it connected back to me each time I placed my foot to the ground. Some days I would think about the mountains and how they even came to be, how each ridge seemed carefully carved out of the earth and lightly frosted with snow. I think about what God might have hidden under them, like a giant using the earth as a blanket while he sleeps. I pretend like I can feel the curvature of the earth as I walk, feeling the roundness under my feet. I wonder about the creation of the universe and the spirits that occupy the commonest of things. I think about all the different kind of species of insects in the world, and the creativity it must have taken to design each one. 

Most of the time, its trees I wonder about. A tiny seed, planted in damp earth, using only water and light has the potential to grow out of itself. It begins producing individual leaves, nearly 6 thousand every season, that will eventually turn colors and fall off, only to be replaced months later. Large trees have the ability to carry the weight of one ton of water through its trunk every day. They are everywhere, these self proclaiming trees, working mighty miracles as we pass them every day. I had a dream the other night that trees could dance, it was a smooth and self controlled dance that I sometimes think is real.

But sometimes I turn my mind from these things and I think about people. Out of all gods creations, we are the only ones that can appreciate them. Sure a frog can appreciate an insect that seems to fly by at the exact time it's considering lunch, but it cannot appreciate the tiniest of wings that carry that fly through the air. A deer cannot look at the night sky and wonder about the process of helium and hydrogen burning to create that light. Rabbits do not take the time to dissect their own brains, to study them and understand the complex ways they work. Trees may be able to produce of themselves, but do they take the time to kiss each leaf as a mother does the toes of her baby. These are the things that I wonder about on my way home.

As I'm walking from campus, or looking into the cars of people at stop lights, I wonder if they ever  wonder. If I look hard enough, I can almost pretend to know what they are thinking. They look at their phones, wondering why he hasn't texted back, I mean its been 5 minuets already. They look at their watches, increasing their pace, almost late for some important event. They look at each other, wondering if they'll be noticed. Every once in a while, they seem to be looking at something not quite tangible, those are the people I am hopeful for, the ones who are lost in their thoughts.

Sometimes I feel like the prisoner in Plato's Allegory of the Cave. I see those people who are stuck in those small and insignificant problems and I want to tell them that those are only shadows, that there is so much more to see. So I try the best I can, but my words never seem right. I stumble, trying to find the right way to phrase it, but I'm always coming up short. I've heard that God teaches us through our own understanding, that we think too simply, so he has to describe his principles in the best way we can understand, through shadows. I wish so badly that I could see the way he sees, through the light of the sun.

Did you know that an average four-year old child asks 437 questions a day? Why can't we be more like that? We should ask more questions. If we are the only of all God's creations that can marvel, then why don't we marvel? Why do we waste the light of day and the dim of night on the things of a temporary nature. We live on a growing planet, one that it marvelous and wondrous, why don't we take the opportunity to grow with it. I imagine that if every person were to spend an hour, every day, merely staring at the stars, or at a tree, or at the patterns of the falling snow, or the creases in babies feet, we would all think a lot differently. 

Because it is those moments that have a true impact on our lives, that show us our own insignificance in the world, and when we understand how small we are, we realize how small our problems are. When I look back on my childhood, I do not remember the birthday parties or even the Christmas presents, I remember the field trips and the rainy day book my mom would pull out every day because I begged her to. I remember trips to my grandparents cabin. I remember leaving a melon rhine on the edge of the deck and being careful not to breath as the deer came close to nibble so I could count its spots. I remember the bat in the attack and how I wanted to get close, but I didn't because I was so terrified. I remember finding log paths across the marshes and the time I slipped and it gave me my first scar. Its moments that we spend with God's terrifying and magnificent creations that show us how small we are, and also how great we are to be able to experience it all. Those are the beautiful moments in my life, small photographs that if lined next to one another would build up the person I am. As Annie Dillard says in her book "Pilgrim at Tinker Creek"

"...beauty and grace are performed whether or not we will sense them. The least we can do is try to be there."

A jumbled mess.

This post has absolutely no direction. Its cool.

Do you ever feel like life seasons have moods? I do. I've been loving the chill season lately. 

 

I tried the whole 'Middle Part' look and as much as I know you don't care, I have the urge to ask what you think.

 

I went and gave blood the other day. It was the first time since I donated in Jerusalem and I had forgotten how much I love doing it. You literally save multiple lives by merely sitting in a chair as they drain your blood away. I'm okay with that. Also, I loved the irony of playing this song... one of my all time favorites.  

 

Zoe and I took a night to go see her friends play in SLC. They opened for Parachute and I have to say that the Tessa Barton Band stole the show. They have an incredible story and the talent to back it up. We stopped for Chipotle on the way up and made a fun night out of it. 

 

I asked this boy to be my Valentine this year. I absolutely adore my little brother. My mom told me that he comes home from school and checks his Facebook first thing to see if I've sent him a message. He recently passed me in height... making me now the shortest child in the family despite being the oldest. Stop growing up. 

 

For Valentines day this year, the girls and I finally fulfilled a life long dream of ours. We had a 'I Hate Valentines Day, But Not Really' party. We really aren't bitter, but we just thought hitting a pinata looked like a lot of fun. Afterwards, we went to see the midnight showing of 'The Vow'. I love love loved the movie, but I love just about anything with Channing Tatum in it. Also, we figured out that it only takes two weeks to fall in love with Channing. In 'Dear John' and "The Vow' both girls admitted it took them 2 weeks to fall in love. Congrats Channing. 

 

On a side note, I've been fawning over these posters around Provo. Each day there is a new love letter to be found by scanning the code. Every time I read them I pretend they were written for me. Talk about hopeless romantic. 

 

Also, I came across this old FB status the other day. In 10 short months I'll be $100 richer. #ToldYouSo.

& because I hate to leave you without a song...

The Russian Cosmonaut

If you don't do anything other than watch this clip today, you'll walk away satisfied. 

Saturday morning I woke up and all I wanted to do was watch a really, really good movie.

I had just gotten 'Another Earth' in the mail, and since Zoe recommended it to me, I thought i'd pop it in.

Let me just say I was entirely smitten. Its been over 24 hours and I'm still thinking about it. 

The music, the actors, the imagery, just everything was spot on.

But, if I were to pinpoint my very favorite scene, I'd point right to this one.

I'll refrain from my analysis of it, because I just think its something that you need to go in open minded about. So just leave me a nice little comment letting me know what you thought, because I can guarantee it'll make you think. 

my loves

Please excuse me while I talk about how much I love the people in my life...

I love that they listen to my abstract theories about the creation of the world... even at 2 in the morning.

I love that they give me rides to my car because I'm from CA and anything under 60 degrees is too cold.

I love that they suffer through my complaining about the boys that don't love me.

I love that they model for me when I see perfect lighting.

I love that they let me play my 'hipster' music while they try to sleep.

I love that they trance dance with me.

I love that they let me do that weird rhino nose thing I do.

I love that they let me sing really loudly in the car and basically butcher their favorite songs.

I love that they laugh at my clean laundry pile instead of yelling about it.

I love that they massage my wrists when I complain about how they hurt.

I love that they point out the things they love about me when I'm feeling down on myself.

I love that no matter what stupid/weird/annoying thing I do, they still love me.

I have this theory (again with the theories kaitlin?) that real love comes from doing the smallest of things. 

The times where we have the best excuses not to do something, and we do it anyways, are the times that real devotion comes through. I could say 'goodness Heavenly Father, its so late and I have to get up early tomorrow, you'll understand if I don't read my scriptures tonight right?'... but where does that get me? It gets me 15 more minuets of sleep and 15 less minuets of teachability. So I am grateful for friends who do the littlest of things for me, even when they don't have to. Its those 15 minuets that mean the world. I'm grateful to be surrounded by people that sincerely care about me and truly want me to be happy. 

I also love that they show me music that makes me fall in love. 

As Of Late

Here is what has been happening in Provo UT.

It snowed one day. 

 

And then it rained away all my snow.

 

We made some ASL friends and Sammy's and they invited us to the deaf meeting at church on Sunday. So cool. Thank goodness Zoe played translator for me. 

 

We have attended quite a few Volleyball games.

 

I got this extremely nice note at work. I love my job, and I love leaving after work feeling like I made a difference in someone's life.

 

College kids really like cereal. Also, I hate spending money on necessities. I'd much rather buy new cloths from J.Crew. 

 

Aimee and I started our first ever LOTR & Waffle Sundays... next week we are thinking pancakes, they are a lot easier to make faces out of them. Guess who our waffle creation is? Hint: Its not the incredibly handsome Elf pictured above him. 

I guess nothing too exciting to report, but I know my mom will appreciate it.