November Playlist

Now Playing on my Spotify 

Helping me to get through the 30 degree weather and endless research papers.

sprung

Hoppy Spring Everybody 

With the amount of papers I have to write and the lack of sleep I've gotten over the past couple weeks I haven't had much opportunity to stop and smell the tulips. But I have been allowing myself study breaks to listen to music and I've eventually compiled my official springtime playlist. Its a mix of old and new and in between. Pray that I live through this semester you guys, because I just might not make it. 

10 things

10 things that make me really happy

1. Car dancing to the Pitch Perfect soundtrack
2. Blueberries
3. Running into friends on campus
4. Friends re-runs
5. Talking to strangers about their passions
6. Quotes from The Office
7. Long hugs and cheek kisses (does that count as 2?)
8. Tall trees
9. When Aimee comes in my room in the morning
10. Sad movies (ironic right?)

In the slew of midterms and papers and lots (and I mean lots) of stress, I think it is important to take a small moment to think about what makes me happy. Also, this video of Italians dancing to "Happy" by Pharrell Williams really makes me happy. 

ketchup

How is it that time continues to pass more quickly every day? I feel like one day I'll blink and suddenly look in the mirror to realize I've aged 50 years without even realizing it. What have I been doing with all this time? Well since you asked...

Lots of time in the library. Most of the time I'm studying... but sometimes Nick and I take meditation breaks. I really invested myself into my school work this semester. Maybe it's all the habbits from my mission, but I think a big part of it is that I've come to really appreciate my education. Living in Italy I realized just how blessed I am to be able to attend a university and expand my vision. Instead of just trying to get through classes, I've really put my heart and soul into it and the whole semester felt really rewarding.

After all that hard work it was home for the holidays. We spent this christmas doing my favorite things... reading books (I read The Moon and More & Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me), going to the movie theater (The Hobbit & Into the Woods), walking on the beach, eating too much, making tamales, indoor skydiving, going to disneyland, road tripping, wedding crashing, and holding babies. It's my idea of a perfect holiday.

Now it's back to the grind. I've had a lot going on since I got back. I got a promotion at my job so I've been working more hours. I just started working on a project with Fundacion Paraguaya that I am really excited about. I hosted a taco party. My sister moved in. Oh and I got the stomach flu so for 3 days I laid on my couch and watched Gilmore Girls. The best news of all is that THE BACHELOR is back on. Nothing gets me more excited than watching the Bachelor with my friends. Onion girl? Really?

 

Growing Pains

There is this sad feeling I get every time I finish a good book. I invest hours into reading the story, falling in love with the characters, picturing the towns they live in & imagining how they must feel as major changes happen in their lives and stories. When I'm nearing the last pages and the author is wrapping up all the loose ends, eloquently telling you the moral of the story and summarizing all that the main character has learned and become, I feel this little pang inside my heart as I turn that last page and know that the story is finished. There is no more mystery and there is no sequel, it just ends and you are left with the memories and the experience that you felt alongside the characters in an imagined world.

There is something about endings that break our hearts a little. For me, that heartbreak usually comes at the end of a really captivating book, a trashy television series where all the characters have eventually fallen in love with each other at one point, a magical film series like HP or LOTR or most importantly TWILIGHT, or when my favorite bands break up. Lately though, I've experienced a lot of endings in my personal life. Coming home from my mission and facing real life has been one of those endings that has been the hardest to adjust to. The magical world of Italy feels like a dream sometimes, or like a really good book that I got to live in for 18 months. At first, turning that page and coming home felt a lot like a starting a brand new book where I was the main character and all my dreams would come true without even needing a fairy godmother. But like any good story, there is always a plot twist.... Darth Vader is your father, Blair and Dan get together, your wannabe boyfriend is a vampire, you see dead people... or something like that... gotta keep it interesting right?

In these last 5 months I've had a lot of life 'plot twists' where I felt like that moment in so many movies where you are sitting in the car and you see those headlights appear out the window and you just know what is about to happen the instant before it does. The character is sitting there, in some blissful or transcendental moment, and then, not even a second later, their entire story has changed. (If you don't know what I mean, you definitely haven't seen enough movies... but try seeing Disturbia, Charlie St. Cloud, Raise Your Voice, The Vow, Another Earth, or Remember the Titans...) One story ends abruptly and another begins. But from ending after ending & changed plan after changed plan I feel like I've become something different than anything I'd imagined I would be. I've felt this constant strength and sense of growth that I never knew I had the power to muster up. Despite how much I've hated these plot twists, I've loved the feeling of strength.. I've loved the feeling of knowing that my story is still developing and that I've become something more than what I was before, that I understand a little more about the important things in my life, that I have great worth and great potential and that I'm evolving.

I never thought that I would write about all of this, mostly because I feel like the people that care about me most know how I've been feeling and seen how I've grown on a personal level.... But through this whole process I've met so many people who have gone through similar periods of pain, loss, happiness, growth, understanding, love, hope, and disappointment. I've had people ahead of me who have helped me see beyond my present circumstances and I've had people follow after me that I've been able to help in return.. and all of this has made me realize "WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER GUYS"... Not in the HSM sort of way where we all know the same choreographed dance moves that we perform in the high school gym after some big winning basketball game... but in the way where you start to realize that we are all each other's consequences. You start to realize that what really matters in this life is our connection to one another. I've learned more about love than I ever did during the times when I thought I was in love. What makes this life so beautiful is that we can love one another and bind ourselves to other people through our experiences and through sacrifices, through good times and hard times.

When I look back on my life and see where I've come, I have felt immense gratitude for the experiences I've had, for the adventures I've sought out and for the times when I have seemingly given up everything familiar to me to discover something new. I've thought about when I moved away from home to come to BYU, I've thought about my study abroad to Jerusalem, I've thought about my jobs at BYU and being an EFY counselor, I've thought about my mission and so many other opportunities I've been blessed with. All these experiences and opportunities have made me realize that what has made them so beautiful are the people that I've come to know and love through it all. These connections that we make, that we hold on to, that we sacrifice for, that we fight for and hold dear to us, these are the things that make life so beautiful and wonderful and fulfilling.

So I guess that after all of this what I am trying to say is that, yes, endings come... and they suck... but they aren't really endings are they? These endings are just plot twists, changes in the plans that make life interesting, things that develop our character and give us opportunities that we never would have had if our circumstances had gone the way we planned. These plot twists in my life have lead me to pursue a career that I love, to work for a non profit organization that provides opportunities for people to escape poverty, to take chances and meet new people, to apply myself more to my studies and really appreciate my education, to spend time in museums and read books, to get a gym pass and use it (?!), to teach myself how to play the guitar and so many other things that have enriched my life and lead me to make more connections and love more people.

To sum all of this up I want to share a scripture that encouraged me to evaluate my life and essentially write this blog post.

"And it came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness" - 2 Nephi 5:27

Happiness is a choice. Love is a choice. Hope and Faith are choices. Through it all I've learned how to live after the manner of happiness, to choose love, hope, and faith when my circumstances fought against it. I hope this doesn't sound like I've got it all figured out, because I really don't. This isn't some "MORAL OF THE STORY" or "LOOSE END TYING" moment of self realization... because honestly I still have a lot of loose ends and things I don't understand...


It's like, finally the words of Britney Spears make sense to me

"I used to think I had the answers to everything. But now I know life doesn't always go my way, yeah... Feels like I'm caught in the middle. That's when I realize, I'm not a girl, not yet a woman. All I need is time, a moment that is mine, while I'm in between."

& let's end with that... because no one has more wisdom than Britney.

White Winter Hymnal

It still feels strange to me to be making a winter playlist. Time is passing so quickly and I feel like I am still trying to live in fall. Even though the weather here in Provo, UT hasn't been so wintery (& I'm not complaining about it) I think it's time for me to admit that it is actually winter.

The Refiner's Fire

When times of trial come, it is easy to blame God.
It is easy to ask "Why?"
Growing up, I had always held the belief that all things were a part of God's plan.
Well, maybe they are and maybe they aren't.

Watching this video I was deeply touched by this woman's experience and her reaction to it...
"It's not always about us, we aren't going through this because we need to change, or we're not good enough. I became someone, you know, more capable of helping others and of having compassion and of understanding at an intimate level, you know, what other people go through. And I found a great deal of joy in using the things that I've learned to help other people"

Trials are a part of God's plan, for it is through opposition that we learn and grow and develop eternal qualities. But that doesn't mean that trials are planned by God. Trials are a part of the human experience, they do not always come from God, instead they come from being human. They come from things outside of our control, sickness, injustice, nature, the choices of others and so many other things that come with being human. Sometime trials come from elements very much within our own control. But I don't believe that God purposefully plants trials in our life to change us through pain and suffering.. instead he allows us to take those trials and those moments of suffering to him, and in return he turns them into something beneficial, something divine. He changes us into something more divine.

"The Lord was not going to allow me to fail, and I know that thats not unique to me,  that He does that for everybody."
Because God is just, and because God gives us our agency and the ability to choose our paths for ourselves, we are presented with many different options of how our life will turn out. Like this dear woman expressed, sometimes the choices we would make for our own life are taken from us, either by circumstance or by the agency of others, but that does not mean it was God's will. But because he loves us he gives us the atonement. He gives us a way of changing all the bad into good. God will never let us fail.

How grateful I am for trials. I am grateful for the way they make me better. Sometimes I am even grateful that God doesn't always take away those trials and those sufferings when I ask him to. Sometimes I am grateful that he allows me to work through it on my own because he knows how strong it will make me. Sometimes. With all that growth, personal development and individual strength we are then able to turn outwards and strengthen others. We are all in this together. Let us all strive to be a little kinder, to think of ourselves a little less and seek for those in the refiners fire. Let us strengthen and lift the hands that hang down, for none of us are without suffering.

When we stop asking "Why me?" and start thinking "Who else?" our trials can be sources of great joy. As we face our trials with faith, hope, and charity all things will work together for our good... and the good of others, too.

La Missione

I've done a lot of thinking on whether or not I wanted to continue my blog after my mission. Getting some separation from the blog world for a year and a half did my soul some good and I was really worried about picking it back up again. I didn't want to 'advertise' my life. I never wanted my life to seem to be something its not.

But as I've looked back on some posts that I've written over the years, I've realized the value my blog has had in my personal life. I've laughed at the things I've written, thinking "why in the world did I think it was okay to post that on the internet"... But as I've read, I've also remembered the things life has taught me over the years and my own words have brought me comfort and peace at this specific stage in my life.

So here I am. Back in the blog world. I promise to be honest, and to write the things that have enriched my life and maybe share a little of that with you too.

One of the things that has enriched my life more than anything has been my LDS mission. I think back to when I was deciding on whether or not I wanted to serve a mission and how confused I was about that decision. I spent many hours praying and pondering about what it would mean for me to leave my life and serve the Lord wherever he called me. Mostly, I was excited at the idea of an adventure. I wanted to serve a mission because I knew it would be an experience I couldn't find anywhere else. I didn't really even understand what a mission was when I was deciding to go. As I thought about that time in my life, I stumbled on a blog post that I never published. I wrote this post and scheduled it to publish the day that I went into the MTC... but something stopped me from posting it and it has sat in my drafts folder for a year and a half. I wanted to share a piece of that post with you.

"I've spent a lot of time thinking about whether or not I wanted to serve a mission for the LDS church...

There are so many reasons why our faith makes us happy. It's because we believe in a church organized the same way as when Christ first organized his church. It's because we believe in modern day prophets who have the ability and authority to bring us messages from our Heavenly Father. Not always in the Moses and 10 commandments kind of way, but in ways that we can apply to our modern situations. Why would our Heavenly Father provide that kind of communication then and stop it today? We are happy because we believe in eternal marriages and that our family connections will remain with us for eternities. We are happy because those sacred ordinances are being performed in Temples across the earth. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we seek for the good in the world. We are not perfect people, but we are humble people. We are constantly in communication with our Heavenly Father to find ways to improve and become closer to him. The Church is a means to an end. It is here to provide us with a path to return to our Heavenly Father and having that path has made all the difference in my life personally.

That brings me back to why I decided to serve formally as a missionary for the church. To my non-Mormon friends leaving school, my friends, my family, my job, and even my country for 18 months sounds crazy. I chose to do all of this because I know that this gospel is true. I know that if I can bring that truth and happiness that I have felt for myself to one person, then I have changed their lives forever. Our lives on earth are so small. I've spent a lot of timing thinking about just how small it is. With all that thinking, I decided to make a choice on what I wanted to dedicate this life to. It's a choice that we all have to make at some point whether we are consciously making that decision or not. & our choices will probably change many times throughout our lives. But in thinking about all of this, I decided that I want to make people happy. I want to bring people closer to knowing their Heavenly Father and their divine, eternal potential. Those are big words, divine and eternal, and they are both very real. & when I start to think in terms of divinity and eternity, everything else seems even smaller. So while many of you are still probably confused as to why I made this choice, I know for me that it is defining who I am and how I want to dedicate my life."

Looking back at this time of my life, I laugh. I laugh because I could have never comprehended just how true all of that was going to be. My mission taught me about eternity. It taught me about what I want to dedicate my life to. Being home from the mission it's sometimes hard to remember those things. We don't always get to think about helping people come unto Christ because we are just doing all we can to not fail all our classes. But I'm grateful that I wrote that post when I did, because it helps me today. God reminds me of those things as often as I forget them. Just a couple weeks ago, I got the chance to watch the LDS General Conference. If you follow me on twitter you definitely saw all my tweets about it. But I was re-reading some of the talks the other day and a certain one stuck out to me again.  You can watch/read it HERE.

After going through a really rough week this past week, I am always grateful for the reminder about eternity. I am grateful that I served a mission, and that my mission taught me so many valuable lessons. I am grateful that I know I have a Father in Heaven who loves me, and he knows me personally. So much hope and peace comes into my life as I seek his will and his council. The most precious gift I have on earth is the knowledge that God guides me. This week I have felt his sustaining power in my life, a power that I know I couldn't have mustered up on my own. It's a hard feeling to describe, but I know we can each feel it personally as we conquer our own mountains and our own heartbreaks. I believe in a God that is active in our lives, and I believe we can receive his power anytime that we show our faith in him. It is a humbling feeling to give yourself completely to the Lord, because you know that what you face is bigger than you have the power to overcome on your own. It's the ultimate trust fall. I am grateful to know that Jesus Christ suffered for us individually. I know that he knows our unique and personal trials and circumstances. With that, I know that he is the only one who knows what choices will make us the happiest, and he will guide us to make those choices.

That is why I served a mission... because I honestly couldn't imagine my life without his divine help every day. I'm grateful that I had the chance to be his representative, and to seek out those who were willing to accept God's plan for them through great faith. I knew that when I left on a mission I would be changing people's lives with the Gospel, but how little did I realize how much his gospel would change me.

melodies

Fall is more than a season. It's a mood. It's my favorite mood. It's cool but its warm. It's smooth but its crunchy. It's subtle but its strong. It makes my heart swell and my breaths deepen. It makes me want to move to the mountains and learn how to play the trumpet. Here's to you fall. 

goodbyes

I used to be a good blogger. Now I've gotten in to that 'post once a month' mood.

Where have I been filling all of my time you ask? Shopping for missionary clothes!

Oh, and lots and lots and lots of homework. Maybe a few other things too.

I had a lovely Thanksgiving break off of school and work. But who would want to take a break from work when you win hand turkey drawing contests or when your co-workers dress up like elves/santa.

Zoe, Jordan and I stopped at this perfect vintage clothing shop in Salt Lake City before picking up my sister at the airport. I was so excited to wear the dress that I didn't even bother to go get the hem finished, instead I used fashion tape, which doesn't work btw.

My sister Paige came in to town the friday before Thanksgiving break so I would have someone to drive home with. That same friday she received her mission call. She called me up that morning to tell me that she is going to be serving in the Italy Milan mission! Two sisters going to the two missions in Italy. We had a lot to celebrate that weekend.

Among those celebrations was Ashley and Ryan's engagement! I am so excited for Ashley and Ryan to be married. I loved being able to be there for the whole process of their meeting, first kiss, dating, falling in love, and now getting married! I'm excited to see where life takes the two of you. & I'm even more excited that Ryan has so much school left that you'll still be in Provo when I come back ;)

 

Then Paige and I took off for California where we spent the week between home and our beach house in Oxnard. I love being able to spend vacations at the beach house. Nothing makes you feel more thankful than a morning walk on a foggy beach.

My Grandma came to visit because I was going through the Temple for the first time with my best friends and family. It was an incredible experience and it was such a blessing to be able to share it with the people so close to me. We also visited the Huntington Library and Gardens with her. Its easily one of my favorite places in California. I've been about 5 times and I've only seen about half of what there is to see.

Then it was back to Provo for finals week. This year my finals weren't too bad, even though I still have nightmares weeks later about forgetting to study for my Italian final. It was also a sad week because I couldn't help thinking "this is the last time i'll ____ before my mission". I'm really going to miss Provo and my friends there. This last semester was one of my favorites so it made it harder to leave.

Among my list of lasts that I wanted to check off before I left was visiting the Natural History Museum in Salt Lake City. If you haven't had a chance to visit, I HIGHLY recommend it. I went last year for a class field trip and had been dying to go back ever since. & While we were in Salt Lake I just HAD to stop at Trader Joes for finals snacks. I HAD to.

As much as people (and when I say 'people', I mean me) hate on Utah, it really is one of the most beautiful places. I'll miss the snowy mountains, icy lakes, and colorful sunsets. 

The hardest things to say goodbye to were my friends. I hate goodbyes. I am absolutely terrible at them. I've been blessed with so many incredible people in my life. Among my daily prayers, most of my time talking with the Lord is spent thanking him for my friends and all the things they do for me. I know its not goodbye forever, but even a goodbye for now seems so sad. When Preston and Nick asked for pictures before I left it seemed so surreal that I wasn't coming back for 18 months. 

I am so grateful for my time at BYU. With this part of my life coming to an end I am feeling very sentimental. But I am also so excited for this next adventure in my life. I am so grateful for the chance I get to go on a mission in February. I am also so grateful that I have so many people supporting me in every part of my life. Thanks you guys. I love you so much.